“Just remember, when you pull the trigger, the bullets come out going very, very fast. So make sure to keep the weapon pointing away from you. Now that’s about it. You are now armed guards. God help us all.” Besides Paul Blart: Mall Cop (2009), this is the best film ever produced about the security guard business. Eugene Levy (“Norman Kane”) and John Candy (“Frank Dooley”) portray a couple of police officer wannabes trolling the nightshift as employees of “Guard Dog Security” in this amusing, if overlong, look at a sleazy profession. These bumbling idiots are assigned to a toxic waste dump after they witness some funny business in a warehouse. They crash a party wearing baby-blue tuxedos and Candy even goes undercover in drag at an adult bookstore. I bet Meg Ryan (“Maggie”) regrets making an appearance in this turkey.

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There’s no doubt about it, this movie is a total piece of shit (typical mid-70’s drive-in fare with a nonexistent budget and bad acting) involving some dipshit getting his custom van entered into the “Freakout Invitational” or something, the only novelty being a cameo by legendary author and boozer, Charles Bukowski, as a “water boy” for a wet T-shirt contest. I’m not kidding! Watch as one of the contestants recoils in horror as the “Poet Laureate of Skid Row” makes a move on her! I haven’t found any information on how Bukowski ended up in this flick. Very strange but funny as hell! Don’t bother trying to find this movie – just look for the Bukowski clip on YouTube and be done with it …

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“Only the Blood of Drug Addicts Can Satisfy Its Thirst!” A drug-addicted biker and Elvis wannabe named Herschel (Steve Hawkes) eats genetically altered turkey, turns into a maniacal turkey and goes on a murderous rampage! Interviewed years later, Hawkes referred to the movie as “a sad chapter in my life.” Director Brad F. Grinter was also the brains behind Flesh Feast (1970), which starred Veronica Lake.

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terroroftinytown“Seems to me that I smell something that should be buried—smells mighty like a polecat.” A year before The Wizard of Oz hit the silver screen, this unappreciated gem offered up quite a novelty—an “all-midget” Western. No, I’m not kidding. Produced by Jed Buell and directed by Sam Newfield, The Terror of Tiny Town was billed as “Little Guys with Big Guns!” Film stars Billy Curtis (High Plains Drifter) as “Buck Lawson,” Yvonne Moray as “Nancy Preston” and Little Billy Rhodes as the villain, “Bat Haines.” The Terror of Tiny Town was featured in The Fifty Worst Films of All Time (1978).

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MANIAC [1934]

“He menaced women with his weird desires!” A legitimate challenger to Plan 9 from Outer Space as the worst film ever made! The plot? A madman steals corpses from the local morgue. Scenes are interrupted throughout with text describing various forms of mental illness (“Unhealthy thought creates warped attitudes which in turn creates criminals and maniacs”). Exploitation/horror film with a running time of just 51 minutes is very loosely based on Edgar Allan Poe’s “The Black Cat.” The cast includes Bill Woods, Horace B. Carpenter, Ted Edwards, Phyllis Diller (no relation to the comedienne of the same name!), Marian Blackton and Thea Ramsey. Director Dwain Esper and his scriptwriter wife Hildegarde also made such classics as Marijuana, Weed with Roots in Hell and How to Undress in Front of Your Husband.

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Billed as “The Great Bela Lugosi’s Last Film,” Plan 9 from Outer Space (originally titled Grave Robbers from Outer Space) is often referred to as the Citizen Kane of bad movies. Slapped together by the legendary Ed Wood, Jr., the entire film was built around a couple of minutes of Lugosi footage shot just before he died in 1956. Aliens invade the Earth and awaken the dead in their bid to take over the world. Although it’s often referred to as the “worst film of all time,” I find the film entertaining in its ineptness. Plan 9 also stars Tor Johnson, Mona McKinnon, Dudley Manlove (as “Eros the Alien”!) and Vampira (Maila Nurmi). Narrator Criswell repeatedly asks the audience, “Can you prove it didn’t happen?”

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